As a mom of three adult children, it hurts to see where I failed them as they grew up. Whether it was not enough time nurturing because I was too busy providing or if it was not enough attention later when I needed to feel loved too….it is never a good feeling to see where and when the gap manifests.
For each one of them it’s different. A different issue, a different level, a different reaction, a different coping mechanism. It’s all heartbreaking because as different as all the results are, the source was the same. Me. That hurts. And it’s a hurt that I find hard to articulate but that I feel to the core of my being. It’s a hurt that brings tears to my eyes and and settles a sadness in my heart because it was me. Me who didn’t see. Me who didn’t understand. Me who didn’t notice. Me who didn’t. I didn’t.
I find that no matter how many apologies, no matter how many why didn’t I’s, there is always a sense of I failed. Failed this one this way, failed the other one that way and failed that one in another way still. Now that they are grown, how do I make that up? I can’t. How can I heal that wound that I created, that went untreated, that infection set into and scabbed over only to produce phantom itches and pain at random moments that seem unprovoked? How can I prevent outbursts or isolations that seemingly come with little provocation and no warning or explanation? The answer is I can’t.
Although I was doing my best with what I had and what I knew, I failed. Failed while trying. Trying to raise them alone when I was in need of the same thing I tried to give them. Love. I’m not saying my journey of motherhood was failure. But, there was an aspect somewhere along the way that I failed at with each one. An aspect that shows up and speaks to me through them.
I can’t fix it. I don’t even know exactly which one is this, that or the other. But, I pray that God will heal the pieces that I inadvertently broke in them. That He will infuse them with His love and His peace so that whatever it is in each of them that I didn’t or couldn’t provide is made whole and right. That He will forgive me for not seeing, knowing, understanding and doing more so that they didn’t receive less than what they needed from me. That He gives them all they need so they have His results.
I love them with everything in me and seeing them hurt, hurts me. I want to see them whole and I can’t fix it, as much as I want to…but, I can apologize and speak on the truth about failing even while trying.
